Saturday, March 31, 2012

What Went Wrong?

3-31-12

Lauren,

Pre-warning you now: this letter is a little "deep," so bear with me.

Sometimes I look at you and Chrysta and wonder what went "wrong" with me.  Let me explain.  Chrysta, although she's not always had the greatest relationship with Mom, is fully capable and willing to tell our parents and other family members that she loves them, or can even give them a hug with no second thoughts.  Then there is you, the "baby" of us three girls.  You're the same way as Chrysta, and still have a strong relationship with and a deep affection for our parents.  You have no problem telling us that you miss us, and still say "Mommy" and "Daddy," both of which have a loving and affectionate connotation to them.

And then there is me.  Meghan, the oldest child.  The one who has a problem saying "I love you" to family members, the one who feels weird hugging her parents, and the one who cringes when her parents call her a name like "honey" or "sweetie."  That's what I mean by what went wrong with me.  It's like I lack that fundamental gene that is needed to express positive emotion to someone in my family.

Besides the things I've already mentioned, there are other things that are strange to me, too.  I think I've mentioned it before, but I can't buy a serious card.  I just can't.  And I've often had this thought:  If I ever get married, the idea of the father-daughter dance just weirds me out.  Let's not ignore the fact that I haven't said "I love you" to Mom or Dad in years probably.  Or the fact that any positive attention, or negative attention for that matter, from anyone usually makes me want to hide in a corner.  So again I ask, what went wrong?

The only time I felt comfortable saying "I love you" or randomly hugging someone was in The Long-Term Relationship (this is its new moniker).  And then that ended.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do something like that again, either.  Pretty much the only person left that I can show affection towards is Megan, and she's my best friend. . .

So I don't know. . .this is something I've often pondered, and so I thought I'd share it with you.  I hope you never get to this place.  It makes for a lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments.  I am working on it, though, so I guess that's all that matters.  I love you!

Love,

Meghan

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Back to the Past

3-27-12

Lauren,

Ever hear someone say something like "Things were so much easier when we were kids," or "I wish I was in high school still when I didn't have to worry about adult stuff?"  It's true, those times were a lot easier in so many ways.  There were no bills, no pressures about getting married and having kids, and no stresses about where to live.

Me as a toddler with no worries!

Yes, those times were nice, but sometimes people spend so much time and energy living in the past that they don't get to live in today.  You're probably wondering why I'm talking about this.  I found a quote by Audrey Hepburn today that I really liked, and it got me thinking about all of this.  It says:

"Living is like tearing through a museum.  Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering- because you can't take it in all at once." - Audrey Hepburn

It would be nice to live a fun-filled life where all I worried about was homework, but at the same time I have experienced so much and learned many things as an adult.  As Audrey Hepburn talks about, living is about trying new things, making mistakes, and creating new memories.  You look back on those memories, learn from them, and move on to make new memories.

Lauren, you're at a very important point in your life right now, and what you're going through is an experience that you will probably never forget.  Learn from it, but don't dwell on it.  If I were to dwell on all the bad things I've been through, I probably wouldn't be here right now.  Learn from it, become a stronger person, and then move on to the next new memory.

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Monday, March 26, 2012

I'm an Older Sister?

3-26-12

Lauren,

It's the weirdest thing, but I'm just now starting to feel like an oldest sister.  I don't know why it took me 23 years to finally feel that way. . .maybe it's your age, or the fact that Chrysta is engaged and has a kid.  Either way, it's a strange yet refreshing feeling.

I think it kind of hit me the other day when I asked you about your best friend.  When you told me it's a boy and that he's 15 I was like "Whaaaat?!"  I guess that instinctive older sibling protective vibe kicked in and I actually noticed it.  It made me feel old.  My little sister, who is ten years younger than me, is old enough to make me worry about her and boys. . .I am old!

But all jokes aside, it is a weird thing being an older sibling.  As I think I told you before, I never really cared about being the oldest, or really ever gave it any thought until now.  Now that you're old enough to start making some big decisions I am going to worry about whether or not you'll make the right choices.  I'm going to worry about how I influence you.  But, you are a good kid, and if you're anything like your older sisters, you'll be fine. :)

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Transitioning

3-25-12

Lauren,

There are a few moments that define us in life, and then there are those times that we change and transition without even realizing it at first.  It usually takes a little while to see the change, and when you finally do it's like "Hey, when did that happen?"

This subtle change that I'm talking about has happened to me a couple of times in the past few years.  There was the change in my weight which gradually increased throughout college.



When I finally noticed it, I couldn't believe I had let it slip past me.  Then finally I did something about it, and now today I'm more aware of my body and how I eat and take care of it.



There were other changes that sneaked up on me, too.  These were more attitude and life-outlook changes than they were physical.  In my serious romantic relationship that I spent years in and working on, I realized one day that my views on marriage and children had changed.  That change became part of why that relationship ended.

Recently I noticed another sudden change in me.  I feel more calm, not necessarily a peaceful calm, but more like I'm finally settling in and giving into "me."  These past ten months or so have been a struggle for me, trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is in this big world.  And finally, I feel like I'm finally making it to the other side of this "fog" that's been clouding my mind lately.  It's a good feeling.

As humans we should always be changing and evolving into better people.  The moment we stop changing we've either given up or become perfect, and no one is perfect.

Love,

Meghan

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Need a Vacation

3-20-12

Lauren,

Hey.  Sometimes when I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling I'll go on to Google and search for quotes that provoke some type of thought within me at that moment.  Today was a day to search for quotes.  While on my quest for the "perfect" quote, I found one that said:

"Vacations are not about 'getting away'- but about getting in 'touch.'" -Chinese fortune

This quote really struck a chord with me today.  With all the stress I've been under lately, and with summer right around the corner, I can think of nothing more than taking a vacation.  Things have been so crazy, and my thoughts have been so jumbled and foggy lately, that the idea of getting away from it all is SUPER appealing.  

While it would be nice to be able to put everything behind me for a few days, perhaps i am feeling a little "out of touch" with myself lately.  Back in the fall after going through counseling all of my thoughts and feelings were extremely clear and easy to comprehend.  But here I am months later, and those things aren't so clear anymore.  

Do you ever feel this way?  If you do, I hope you know how to cope, and that it doesn't last long.  Keep your head up! I know I'm trying to.

Love,

Meghan

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Infatuated

3-20-12

Lauren,

Let me just take a minute, or a whole letter in this case, to drool over Gavin DeGraw a bit.  Just in case you didn't know, I'm head over heels for the guy, and I've never even talked to him before! On my angry days, his music calms me down.  On my sad days, his lyrics sing to my heart.  On my happy days, his voice makes me even happier.  How could there be a more perfect man?

I've always been a sucker for guys that can sing.  I highly doubt that I'll find a guy that can sing, though, so looks like I'll have to settle for YouTube videos of Gavin DeGraw performances for now.  I can spend hours in front of my computer watching his music videos and learning how to play his songs on the guitar.  I'm obsessed. . .I'll admit it.

I hope you're having a good week so far.  I'm already looking forward to Friday.  But until then, I think I'll relax and listen to some music :)

Love,

Meghan

Here's his newest music video, "Sweeter:"


Monday, March 19, 2012

Smallest Good in the Biggest of Bads

3-19-12

Lauren,

Hey.  You probably noticed, but I'm still pacing myself a bit here lately with these.  During my little break from writing letters, though, I have been taking some time to think about stuff, and to find both the good and bad in every day.  So let's talk about one of the good and bad things from this past weekend. . .

Saturday night I lost my voice. Gone. Out of nowhere, too. The only way I could talk was to whisper, or to take the time to text whatever I was trying to say.  It was annoying.  If you know me well enough, you know that I love to sing.  I like to talk, too, but singing is something I have to do pretty much every day, and if I can't, well I'm one sad Meghan.  And so, there I was. . .St. Patrick's Day weekend, no voice, and I couldn't sing.  So sad :(

I am me, though, and somehow I still manage to find humor in everything, even the sad things.  So of course, between my friends and I, we definitely found some humor in my lack of voice.  Walking into Walmart yesterday with Megan and Emily, I found myself trying to laugh.  Between the laughing making it worse, and the fact that my vocal chords were all out of whack, I ended up sounding like one of the Chipmunks while I was laughing.  And of course, this led to more laughing.  The cycle was endless.

This is something I've been trying to do lately: finding even the smallest good in the biggest of bads.  If I couldn't and didn't, I'm not quite sure where I'd be right now.  Things have been rough lately, as you can tell through my lack of letters, but I push on.  Hope you're doing okay. Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Bit of a Let Down

3-15-12

Lauren,

Hey.  I was going to give myself a few more days away from this to think about things to write, but then you called me today and I needed to vent somewhere, so why not vent on here.  First, you did nothing wrong by calling me.  I just feel bad because I haven't been able to come to the visits lately, and because I can't come this Saturday to have dinner with you.  I know you probably already feel let down so much, and now I'm letting you down more by not being able to see you.  I know I'll get to make it up to you in the near future, but at the same time it just sucks that I can't be there on the one day that you ask me to be.

I feel like a bit of a let down in other ways here lately, too.  I feel like a let down to my roommates because I haven't been able to pay rent on time from where I was out of work after surgery.  I feel like a let down to my friends because every time they ask me to go out somewhere with them, I have to say no because I need to save up.  I feel like a let down to myself because I still haven't started grad school searching, even though I told myself I would have one picked by February.  Things have definitely been a little rough on me lately, and strong as I am, there are times when they finally catch up to me and it all just spills out.  I'm sure everyone has moments like this.  It would be unusual and not human to never feel sad, disappointed, angry, etc. . .having emotions is part of being human.  But it's knowing how to deal with them and how to learn from them that makes the difference.

I will definitely see you soon.  I know our situation is not ideal.  And I know I can't always be the big sister I'm suppose to be.  But hopefully that will change one day soon.  Love you.  Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Unsure

3-11-12

Lauren,

Hello.  I'm not sure if you've noticed lately, but I'm slacking a bit in the letter department. I think I have an explanation for this, or at least a better understanding of why I haven't been able to write much lately.  One, I just don't know what to write anymore.  It's not that I'm running out of ideas.  I just don't feel like I have going anything in my life lately that is really worth writing about. 

I would say life has felt a bit "empty" lately, for a lack of a better word. I'm finally back to work, which is awesome, but everything else seems to be changing.  More and more often lately I find myself wondering about the things that used to be so solid for me.  One major thing is my friends.  This is one of the hardest parts about growing up.  People change, and so your friends change.  My friends that I have had for years all of sudden feel very distant to me, and I find myself turning to newer friends for the stuff I would normally go to my BFFs for.  This definitely bothers me.  I'm trying to accept the change, but that is never easy.

Thank goodness I'm still sure of myself.  That is about the only thing I can be sure of these days.  Jobs change, friends change, guys come and go, but I know who I am and so hopefully, as long as I work at it, I won't ever lose that.  I'll try my best to find worthwhile things to write to you about.  I try to look for the good and bad to tell you about, but sometimes it's just easier to focus on the bad because when it's there, it's usually screaming in your face. 

Keep your head up!  I know I'm trying to keep mine up, too.

Love,

Meghan

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I'm a Stubborn Girl

3-10-12

Lauren,

I am one stubborn person.  Add to that the fact that I am also very determined and ambitious, and well, I can do some serious business if I really put my mind to something.  Depending on what my motive is at the time, the outcome can be something great.  Or, it can simply be something silly, like buying something that I've been wanting for some time. 

Here lately, I've been pretty stubborn and pretty determined when it comes to a couple of things.  One, I've recently convinced myself that I'll be getting a new piercing and, gasp, a tattoo somewhere in the near future.  I've always been the one to say that I never want a tattoo because I'm too chicken and it would hurt, but here lately I find myself wanting one more and more.  The more I think about it, the more I'm determined to do it, painful or not.  When I first said I wanted my tongue pierced I told myself I would never get it done because it would hurt.  But then one day this past summer I was sitting at Jamie and Kenny's house in North Carolina and I was like "You know, I really want to get my tongue pierced." I kept saying it over and over again, and I ended up getting it done later that day. I've been doing the same thing lately with the tattoo.  The more I think about it, the more I want to get it done.

I'm also being stubborn lately when it comes to a certain person.  This person drives me crazy, and now I'm telling myself I'm going to ignore them for a while.  I think that's all I'll say about this for now. . .I'm sure there will be more to come later. This is when being stubborn is silly.  But hey, it is me, so what can I say. . .

Either way, I don't think being stubborn/determined/ambitious is necessarily a bad thing.  It helps me to get things done.  This is not to say I'm always this way.  There are days when I'm the complete opposite and don't feel like doing anything.  But it's a good feeling to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to.  I hope you can say the same!

Love,

Meghan

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Pinterest= Addicting

3-7-12

Lauren,

So I have a confession: I'm a bit obsessed with Pinterest.  I don't know if you've heard of it, or if you have ever been on there to see what it's all about, but it's pretty neat.  For someone like me who is obsessed with baking, shopping, hair and makeup, it can be just a tad bit addicting. 

You should have seen Megan and I tonight; we were both sitting here, eyes glued on our computers as we scrolled through pictures upon pictures of dresses, cupcakes, and any other eye candy we could find.  It really makes me want to go shopping, too.  This is a problem, though, because I don't have any money.  No money= no shopping.  There are days when I really, really want a new dress, but I can't get one.  And so what do I do?  I make a new outfit out of clothes I already have.  I don't know how many times here lately I've texted Megan to tell her that I have a new outfit and I didn't even go shopping.  Pinterest might fuel my passion for a new wardrobe, and it might test my willpower to save my money, but it also gets my creative juices flowing, and that's always a good feeling :)

I hope you're having a good week!  Keep your head up girlie.

Love,

Meghan

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

It's Been A While

3-6-12

Lauren,

Hello.  It's been a few days since I last wrote, and I really have no excuse other than that I don't really know what to write lately.  It kind of bumming me out, too, because my goal was to do this every day, and yet here I am four days later with a new letter.

I feel like there is a fog around my thoughts lately.  I'm not sure why, but I can never seem to quite fully get a grasp on what I'm thinking and feeling.  Maybe this is because things have been so up in the air lately.  I really don't feel like I have a grasp on my life right now, especially after being out of my one job for a month with the surgery and all.  Things have felt a little strange with my friends; they've all seemed pretty distant.  Another reason why I might not be able to write is because I'm not writing, if that makes any sense.  I have so many thoughts going through my head and instead of getting them out into writing, I'm hoarding them in my brain.  Probably not a good idea. 

The only things that haven't changed as of lately are my determination to exercise as much as possible, and my constant need to dance.  I am doing pretty good with the exercising.  This week is getting a little busy, so I might not be able to go out and walk/run as much as I have been, but I'm still going to do it when I can.  As far as dancing goes, well I dance whenever and wherever I can (I'm sitting in my chair bouncing around and dancing as I type this). I dance while doing the dishes, alone in my room, when I go out with my friends, in my car. . .you get the idea. 

I hope things are going okay for you.  Wish I could see you more.  Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Friday, March 2, 2012

Random Would Be the Right Word

3-2-12


Lauren,

Hey there.  I know, I know.  It's been a few days since I last wrote.  I have an explanation for that.  See, with all this nothingness going on around me lately, I don't feel like I have too much to write about.  And everything I could write about, well it all seems very trivial.  For instance, I dyed my hair again yesterday.  Not too much knowledge that you can pull from that, right?  Right.  I did learn that if dye is kind of burning your scalp and bleaching your fingers that you might have gotten something a little strong, but that's beside the point.

I haven't had too many experiences that I could really learn from as of lately.  I've been dealing with a lot of the trials that come with being single (I know, sooo difficult right?), but they're starting to repeat themselves so I'm not really learning much from it.  In fact, being single is really starting to confuse me a bit.  When someone tells you to call them, and you don't call or text them for four days, why do they feel the need to call you? They should get the hint.  Same goes when you tell someone that you're probably going to end up hurting them.  I'm not trying to be mean.  I'm just trying to save these guys some heartache and headaches.  I really don't get it.

Another thing I haven't been getting much of lately: hours at work.  It's been a month since I had surgery, but I wasn't able to work for a while, and so hours at work have been scarce for me lately.  I finally get to go back to my one job this week, though, so I'm pretty excited about that.  And I got a call yesterday saying that I might be able to pick up even more hours than I had originally thought, so I'm pretty excited.

If I wasn't the positive person I am, all this nothingness would probably put me in a bad mood as of lately.  Thank goodness I'm able to notice the small things that make me happy and make me smile.  I put a quote on my Facebook lately that kind of reminded me of the whole thing.  It's one of my favorites.  It says:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde

Everyone has down times, crappy times, sad times, but there are some of us that choose to look up and focus on the positive and more beautiful things that happen with each day.  Hopefully you can learn to do this one day.  Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan