3-31-12
Lauren,
Pre-warning you now: this letter is a little "deep," so bear with me.
Sometimes I look at you and Chrysta and wonder what went "wrong" with me. Let me explain. Chrysta, although she's not always had the greatest relationship with Mom, is fully capable and willing to tell our parents and other family members that she loves them, or can even give them a hug with no second thoughts. Then there is you, the "baby" of us three girls. You're the same way as Chrysta, and still have a strong relationship with and a deep affection for our parents. You have no problem telling us that you miss us, and still say "Mommy" and "Daddy," both of which have a loving and affectionate connotation to them.
And then there is me. Meghan, the oldest child. The one who has a problem saying "I love you" to family members, the one who feels weird hugging her parents, and the one who cringes when her parents call her a name like "honey" or "sweetie." That's what I mean by what went wrong with me. It's like I lack that fundamental gene that is needed to express positive emotion to someone in my family.
Besides the things I've already mentioned, there are other things that are strange to me, too. I think I've mentioned it before, but I can't buy a serious card. I just can't. And I've often had this thought: If I ever get married, the idea of the father-daughter dance just weirds me out. Let's not ignore the fact that I haven't said "I love you" to Mom or Dad in years probably. Or the fact that any positive attention, or negative attention for that matter, from anyone usually makes me want to hide in a corner. So again I ask, what went wrong?
The only time I felt comfortable saying "I love you" or randomly hugging someone was in The Long-Term Relationship (this is its new moniker). And then that ended. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do something like that again, either. Pretty much the only person left that I can show affection towards is Megan, and she's my best friend. . .
So I don't know. . .this is something I've often pondered, and so I thought I'd share it with you. I hope you never get to this place. It makes for a lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments. I am working on it, though, so I guess that's all that matters. I love you!
Love,
Meghan
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Back to the Past
3-27-12
Lauren,
Ever hear someone say something like "Things were so much easier when we were kids," or "I wish I was in high school still when I didn't have to worry about adult stuff?" It's true, those times were a lot easier in so many ways. There were no bills, no pressures about getting married and having kids, and no stresses about where to live.
Yes, those times were nice, but sometimes people spend so much time and energy living in the past that they don't get to live in today. You're probably wondering why I'm talking about this. I found a quote by Audrey Hepburn today that I really liked, and it got me thinking about all of this. It says:
Lauren,
Ever hear someone say something like "Things were so much easier when we were kids," or "I wish I was in high school still when I didn't have to worry about adult stuff?" It's true, those times were a lot easier in so many ways. There were no bills, no pressures about getting married and having kids, and no stresses about where to live.
Me as a toddler with no worries!
Yes, those times were nice, but sometimes people spend so much time and energy living in the past that they don't get to live in today. You're probably wondering why I'm talking about this. I found a quote by Audrey Hepburn today that I really liked, and it got me thinking about all of this. It says:
"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering- because you can't take it in all at once." - Audrey Hepburn
It would be nice to live a fun-filled life where all I worried about was homework, but at the same time I have experienced so much and learned many things as an adult. As Audrey Hepburn talks about, living is about trying new things, making mistakes, and creating new memories. You look back on those memories, learn from them, and move on to make new memories.
Lauren, you're at a very important point in your life right now, and what you're going through is an experience that you will probably never forget. Learn from it, but don't dwell on it. If I were to dwell on all the bad things I've been through, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Learn from it, become a stronger person, and then move on to the next new memory.
Keep your head up!
Love,
Meghan
Monday, March 26, 2012
I'm an Older Sister?
3-26-12
Lauren,
It's the weirdest thing, but I'm just now starting to feel like an oldest sister. I don't know why it took me 23 years to finally feel that way. . .maybe it's your age, or the fact that Chrysta is engaged and has a kid. Either way, it's a strange yet refreshing feeling.
I think it kind of hit me the other day when I asked you about your best friend. When you told me it's a boy and that he's 15 I was like "Whaaaat?!" I guess that instinctive older sibling protective vibe kicked in and I actually noticed it. It made me feel old. My little sister, who is ten years younger than me, is old enough to make me worry about her and boys. . .I am old!
But all jokes aside, it is a weird thing being an older sibling. As I think I told you before, I never really cared about being the oldest, or really ever gave it any thought until now. Now that you're old enough to start making some big decisions I am going to worry about whether or not you'll make the right choices. I'm going to worry about how I influence you. But, you are a good kid, and if you're anything like your older sisters, you'll be fine. :)
Keep your head up!
Love,
Meghan
Lauren,
It's the weirdest thing, but I'm just now starting to feel like an oldest sister. I don't know why it took me 23 years to finally feel that way. . .maybe it's your age, or the fact that Chrysta is engaged and has a kid. Either way, it's a strange yet refreshing feeling.
I think it kind of hit me the other day when I asked you about your best friend. When you told me it's a boy and that he's 15 I was like "Whaaaat?!" I guess that instinctive older sibling protective vibe kicked in and I actually noticed it. It made me feel old. My little sister, who is ten years younger than me, is old enough to make me worry about her and boys. . .I am old!
But all jokes aside, it is a weird thing being an older sibling. As I think I told you before, I never really cared about being the oldest, or really ever gave it any thought until now. Now that you're old enough to start making some big decisions I am going to worry about whether or not you'll make the right choices. I'm going to worry about how I influence you. But, you are a good kid, and if you're anything like your older sisters, you'll be fine. :)
Keep your head up!
Love,
Meghan
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Transitioning
3-25-12
Lauren,
There are a few moments that define us in life, and then there are those times that we change and transition without even realizing it at first. It usually takes a little while to see the change, and when you finally do it's like "Hey, when did that happen?"
This subtle change that I'm talking about has happened to me a couple of times in the past few years. There was the change in my weight which gradually increased throughout college.
When I finally noticed it, I couldn't believe I had let it slip past me. Then finally I did something about it, and now today I'm more aware of my body and how I eat and take care of it.
There were other changes that sneaked up on me, too. These were more attitude and life-outlook changes than they were physical. In my serious romantic relationship that I spent years in and working on, I realized one day that my views on marriage and children had changed. That change became part of why that relationship ended.
Recently I noticed another sudden change in me. I feel more calm, not necessarily a peaceful calm, but more like I'm finally settling in and giving into "me." These past ten months or so have been a struggle for me, trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is in this big world. And finally, I feel like I'm finally making it to the other side of this "fog" that's been clouding my mind lately. It's a good feeling.
As humans we should always be changing and evolving into better people. The moment we stop changing we've either given up or become perfect, and no one is perfect.
Love,
Meghan
Lauren,
There are a few moments that define us in life, and then there are those times that we change and transition without even realizing it at first. It usually takes a little while to see the change, and when you finally do it's like "Hey, when did that happen?"
This subtle change that I'm talking about has happened to me a couple of times in the past few years. There was the change in my weight which gradually increased throughout college.
When I finally noticed it, I couldn't believe I had let it slip past me. Then finally I did something about it, and now today I'm more aware of my body and how I eat and take care of it.
There were other changes that sneaked up on me, too. These were more attitude and life-outlook changes than they were physical. In my serious romantic relationship that I spent years in and working on, I realized one day that my views on marriage and children had changed. That change became part of why that relationship ended.
Recently I noticed another sudden change in me. I feel more calm, not necessarily a peaceful calm, but more like I'm finally settling in and giving into "me." These past ten months or so have been a struggle for me, trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is in this big world. And finally, I feel like I'm finally making it to the other side of this "fog" that's been clouding my mind lately. It's a good feeling.
As humans we should always be changing and evolving into better people. The moment we stop changing we've either given up or become perfect, and no one is perfect.
Love,
Meghan
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I Need a Vacation
3-20-12
Lauren,
Hey. Sometimes when I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling I'll go on to Google and search for quotes that provoke some type of thought within me at that moment. Today was a day to search for quotes. While on my quest for the "perfect" quote, I found one that said:
Lauren,
Hey. Sometimes when I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling I'll go on to Google and search for quotes that provoke some type of thought within me at that moment. Today was a day to search for quotes. While on my quest for the "perfect" quote, I found one that said:
"Vacations are not about 'getting away'- but about getting in 'touch.'" -Chinese fortune
This quote really struck a chord with me today. With all the stress I've been under lately, and with summer right around the corner, I can think of nothing more than taking a vacation. Things have been so crazy, and my thoughts have been so jumbled and foggy lately, that the idea of getting away from it all is SUPER appealing.
While it would be nice to be able to put everything behind me for a few days, perhaps i am feeling a little "out of touch" with myself lately. Back in the fall after going through counseling all of my thoughts and feelings were extremely clear and easy to comprehend. But here I am months later, and those things aren't so clear anymore.
Do you ever feel this way? If you do, I hope you know how to cope, and that it doesn't last long. Keep your head up! I know I'm trying to.
Love,
Meghan
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Infatuated
3-20-12
Lauren,
Let me just take a minute, or a whole letter in this case, to drool over Gavin DeGraw a bit. Just in case you didn't know, I'm head over heels for the guy, and I've never even talked to him before! On my angry days, his music calms me down. On my sad days, his lyrics sing to my heart. On my happy days, his voice makes me even happier. How could there be a more perfect man?
I've always been a sucker for guys that can sing. I highly doubt that I'll find a guy that can sing, though, so looks like I'll have to settle for YouTube videos of Gavin DeGraw performances for now. I can spend hours in front of my computer watching his music videos and learning how to play his songs on the guitar. I'm obsessed. . .I'll admit it.
I hope you're having a good week so far. I'm already looking forward to Friday. But until then, I think I'll relax and listen to some music :)
Love,
Meghan
Here's his newest music video, "Sweeter:"
Lauren,
Let me just take a minute, or a whole letter in this case, to drool over Gavin DeGraw a bit. Just in case you didn't know, I'm head over heels for the guy, and I've never even talked to him before! On my angry days, his music calms me down. On my sad days, his lyrics sing to my heart. On my happy days, his voice makes me even happier. How could there be a more perfect man?
I've always been a sucker for guys that can sing. I highly doubt that I'll find a guy that can sing, though, so looks like I'll have to settle for YouTube videos of Gavin DeGraw performances for now. I can spend hours in front of my computer watching his music videos and learning how to play his songs on the guitar. I'm obsessed. . .I'll admit it.
I hope you're having a good week so far. I'm already looking forward to Friday. But until then, I think I'll relax and listen to some music :)
Love,
Meghan
Here's his newest music video, "Sweeter:"
Monday, March 19, 2012
Smallest Good in the Biggest of Bads
3-19-12
Lauren,
Hey. You probably noticed, but I'm still pacing myself a bit here lately with these. During my little break from writing letters, though, I have been taking some time to think about stuff, and to find both the good and bad in every day. So let's talk about one of the good and bad things from this past weekend. . .
Saturday night I lost my voice. Gone. Out of nowhere, too. The only way I could talk was to whisper, or to take the time to text whatever I was trying to say. It was annoying. If you know me well enough, you know that I love to sing. I like to talk, too, but singing is something I have to do pretty much every day, and if I can't, well I'm one sad Meghan. And so, there I was. . .St. Patrick's Day weekend, no voice, and I couldn't sing. So sad :(
I am me, though, and somehow I still manage to find humor in everything, even the sad things. So of course, between my friends and I, we definitely found some humor in my lack of voice. Walking into Walmart yesterday with Megan and Emily, I found myself trying to laugh. Between the laughing making it worse, and the fact that my vocal chords were all out of whack, I ended up sounding like one of the Chipmunks while I was laughing. And of course, this led to more laughing. The cycle was endless.
This is something I've been trying to do lately: finding even the smallest good in the biggest of bads. If I couldn't and didn't, I'm not quite sure where I'd be right now. Things have been rough lately, as you can tell through my lack of letters, but I push on. Hope you're doing okay. Keep your head up!
Love,
Meghan
Lauren,
Hey. You probably noticed, but I'm still pacing myself a bit here lately with these. During my little break from writing letters, though, I have been taking some time to think about stuff, and to find both the good and bad in every day. So let's talk about one of the good and bad things from this past weekend. . .
Saturday night I lost my voice. Gone. Out of nowhere, too. The only way I could talk was to whisper, or to take the time to text whatever I was trying to say. It was annoying. If you know me well enough, you know that I love to sing. I like to talk, too, but singing is something I have to do pretty much every day, and if I can't, well I'm one sad Meghan. And so, there I was. . .St. Patrick's Day weekend, no voice, and I couldn't sing. So sad :(
I am me, though, and somehow I still manage to find humor in everything, even the sad things. So of course, between my friends and I, we definitely found some humor in my lack of voice. Walking into Walmart yesterday with Megan and Emily, I found myself trying to laugh. Between the laughing making it worse, and the fact that my vocal chords were all out of whack, I ended up sounding like one of the Chipmunks while I was laughing. And of course, this led to more laughing. The cycle was endless.
This is something I've been trying to do lately: finding even the smallest good in the biggest of bads. If I couldn't and didn't, I'm not quite sure where I'd be right now. Things have been rough lately, as you can tell through my lack of letters, but I push on. Hope you're doing okay. Keep your head up!
Love,
Meghan
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