What Went Wrong?

3-31-12

Lauren,

Pre-warning you now: this letter is a little "deep," so bear with me.

Sometimes I look at you and Chrysta and wonder what went "wrong" with me.  Let me explain.  Chrysta, although she's not always had the greatest relationship with Mom, is fully capable and willing to tell our parents and other family members that she loves them, or can even give them a hug with no second thoughts.  Then there is you, the "baby" of us three girls.  You're the same way as Chrysta, and still have a strong relationship with and a deep affection for our parents.  You have no problem telling us that you miss us, and still say "Mommy" and "Daddy," both of which have a loving and affectionate connotation to them.

And then there is me.  Meghan, the oldest child.  The one who has a problem saying "I love you" to family members, the one who feels weird hugging her parents, and the one who cringes when her parents call her a name like "honey" or "sweetie."  That's what I mean by what went wrong with me.  It's like I lack that fundamental gene that is needed to express positive emotion to someone in my family.

Besides the things I've already mentioned, there are other things that are strange to me, too.  I think I've mentioned it before, but I can't buy a serious card.  I just can't.  And I've often had this thought:  If I ever get married, the idea of the father-daughter dance just weirds me out.  Let's not ignore the fact that I haven't said "I love you" to Mom or Dad in years probably.  Or the fact that any positive attention, or negative attention for that matter, from anyone usually makes me want to hide in a corner.  So again I ask, what went wrong?

The only time I felt comfortable saying "I love you" or randomly hugging someone was in The Long-Term Relationship (this is its new moniker).  And then that ended.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do something like that again, either.  Pretty much the only person left that I can show affection towards is Megan, and she's my best friend. . .

So I don't know. . .this is something I've often pondered, and so I thought I'd share it with you.  I hope you never get to this place.  It makes for a lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments.  I am working on it, though, so I guess that's all that matters.  I love you!

Love,

Meghan