Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Just Another Day

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Lauren,

Another day of sitting in the hospital.  It's kind of hard to think of something to write when you've got machines beeping around you and people walking in and out of your room constantly to check on stuff.  Not the best environment when you're trying to think of something profound and worth while to say.

I've never liked going to the doctor or dentist really.  The thought of needles freaks me out, which is weird considering I have so many piercings.  And the thought of surgery, or anything cutting me open, well that freaks me out even more. When I was little, it would take four or five nurses to hold me down just give me a needle.  They would tell me that if I didn't hold still, the needle would break off in my skin and then we'd have even more of a problem.  It's comical thinking about it now, but to tell a child that? Well that's just wrong...

So now when I go in to have stuff done, I'm like a giant baby. "Tell me when you're going to stick me."  "Don't let me see the needle."  "I really hate this..."  These are all things you can hear me say to a nurse when she's trying to draw blood or give me a shot. 

I just keep reminding myself that things could be worse.  Things could always be worse...

Love,

Meghan

Monday, January 30, 2012

A Healthy Girl is a Happy Girl

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Lauren,

So right now I'm sitting in the hospital because of my stupid gall bladder again.  Except this time I had to stay over night, and I'm probably going to need surgery within the next few days.  Being in the hospital is pretty boring, just in case you haven't heard.  Thank goodness Dad brought me my laptop, or I'm pretty sure I'd be going crazy right now.  And speaking of Dad, you should see him passed out in the chair right now. :P

So I don't know if you remember, but my body has never really liked me.  When I was 12, I had pneumonia, bronchitis twice, and mono all in the same year.  I've had asthma for awhile, joint problems, dizziness, etc.  There was that thing a few years ago when my mouth swelled up pretty bad from cold sores.  And then more recently, I learned I had gallstones.  So yeah, I'm pretty convinced my body really doesn't like me. 

I know you're only 13, but make sure you start taking care of yourself now.  Don't wait until later to worry about a healthy diet, exercise, and all the other things that keep a person healthy.  If I had known five years ago that eating foods like pizza, Chinese food, and ice cream would put me here today, I probably would have cut back.  Soda is another bad one, too.  And always exercise when you can!  Even if it's dancing for fifteen minutes in your room or going for a bike ride around the block, find an exercise you like and do it.  It will give you more energy and make you feel like a better, healthier, more energized person.  Trust me!

So take care of yourself.  In the meantime, looks like I'll be watching cartoons and playing Words With Friends...

Love,

Meghan

Sunday, January 29, 2012

One Day at a Time

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Lauren,

There is one question that I kind of hate.  I know you're young, but has anyone ever asked you where you see yourself in five years?  I hate it when people ask me that question.  I usually don't know how to answer it, either.  Typically I say, "I hate that question; I'm more of a one-day-at-a-time kind of person. Five years from now? Who knows? I probably will still be single, no kids, and hopefully I'll have my own place."  That's what I typically say.

One day at a time.  I like that idea.  Not worrying about yesterday, because it's already happened and there is nothing you can do to change it, and not stressing over what could happen one, two, five, or three hundred days from now.  I like just focusing on what's happening in my life here and now.  Some people could say this is foolish because I'm not planning for my future.  I don't see it that way, though.  Yes, I think about the future and what kind of person I want to be.  The reason I don't think too much about it, though, is because I don't want to spend the time I have right now stressing over the million things that could happen tomorrow. I hope that makes sense to you.  Focus on today...it'll make life just a little bit easier.

Love,

Meghan

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Do Something

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Lauren,

Hobbies.  I know it's silly, but I want to talk to you about hobbies.  Mom told me the other day that you don't want to do band anymore when you get to high school if you go to Decatur (I wouldn't, either).  Despite school rivalry, though, I think you should stick with it.  Hobbies, like band or singing, scrapbooking, or sports are important.  They're part of who you are.  And in a new place like a high school, they'll help you relate to people that you might otherwise never get to know.  And as you get older, these hobbies will be what keep you grounded.  For me, writing in a journal and cooking for my friends are two of the things that I like to do when I'm stressed.  Trust me, you'll figure it out one day.  So don't stop playing that flute!

Love,

Meghan

Friday, January 27, 2012

Notice the Simple Things

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Lauren,

Do you ever stop and notice the way something makes you feel?  You know the saying to "stop and smell the roses," right?  That's what I'm talking about.  If you haven't, you should really try to stop and recognize the simple things of everyday life.

Right now, the rain is coming down pretty hard outside.  I don't know how rain makes you feel, but for me it is very calming.  Maybe it's the constant sound, the gray skies, or the fact that water relaxes me.  Whatever it is, the rain just puts me in a certain peaceful mood.

Something else I noticed is about singing.  I absolutely love to sing.  I don't think that will ever change.  There's just something about the way certain notes feel in my chest that makes me feel soulful.  Some artists, like Amy Winehouse, Etta James, Evanescence, and Breaking Benjamin to name a few, really bring this feeling out more than others.  Maybe it's their lyrical content, or the range of notes they sing in, just something about them gives me more "soul."

So try it one day.  Notice the small things and how they make you feel.  It could be a song, a certain shirt you like to wear, or even a smell (I love the smell of vanilla).  Whether it's one of these things or something else,  noticing these things will help you know yourself better, and it'll probably make you smile.

Love,

Meghan

Thursday, January 26, 2012

What It Means to Be Your Sister: Pt. 1

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Lauren,

Here lately I've been thinking about what it means to be someone's big sister, or in my case, two people's big sister.  Honestly I can say I never thought about it in the past, probably because I just didn't care.  You are so much younger, and Chrysta is always doing her own thing, so I guess I thought it didn't really matter what I did as the oldest child.

But here lately my view on that is starting to change a bit.  It's not really changing in the way that I feel I need to protect you.  I guess it's just that I'm more aware now of what kind of impact I can have on you.

When you posted that song, "You're the Reason," on my Facebook, I think it kinda hit me.  And then there are the times when you tell your friends that I'm "crazy" and what not.  That's when I realize that you look up to me.

I know you don't have any younger siblings, but you do have your niece, and so maybe on day you'll feel the same way.  I'm not perfect, never have been, but I'll try my best to keep this in mind when making decisions.  And hopefully you like what I'm doing with this blog, and can be proud of me for it.

Love,

Meghan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghFZG4qVmXE&feature=share

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Time to Crawl Into a Hole

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Lauren,

Boys. Guys. Men.  Whatever the heck you choose to call them.  They're all a pain to me.  I'm starting to think this is another one of those things that will never change...

Yeah, I know, finding a boyfriend at 13 is not easy...you've got acne to worry about, you don't want cooties, and you're at that awkward stage where you're taller than all the guys by at least a foot.  Trust me, I know.  I was once 13, too.

But guess what?!  Finding a guy at 24 isn't easy, either!  Now, instead of acne or being too tall (both problems I still encounter occasionally), I'm too "intimidating," too "aggressive," or I "think too much."  It seems like no matter what age you are, being single is tough.

And let's not even talk about the kind of guys I attract...younger, has a girlfriend, never texts back, doesn't want a girlfriend, only wants one thing...the list goes on.  It's seriously so frustrating sometimes that I just want to give up!  I even told Megan that I'm going to crawl into a hole and stay there until I'm ready for the suckiness that is dating.

I will tell you this, though (yes, another lesson...there's always a lesson!).  Don't look.  It's as simple, and yet as hard, as that.  Don't look, because the moment you do start looking you'll be willing to settle.  Never settle.  If you and value yourself enough, you'll wait until the right person comes along.

I might as well get comfy because it looks like I'll be waiting for awhile...

Love,

Meghan

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Backstory: Part 2

So today is another post, not a letter.  I have one more question to address before I start posting letters again.  This one usually comes from people my family has known for a while, or other people in and around our community.  "Your parents aren't bad people...they aren't doing drugs, they're not alcoholics, and you girls are some of the nicest girls we know...so why your parents?"  Very, very good question.

I'll never forget the time Chrysta and I sat down with one of Lauren's social workers, and the woman said to us, "I'm so sorry you never had your own room.  I feel bad for you." What?! Seriously?! I'm not going to lie, that statement really shocked me, and still to this day I shake my head when I think of it.  I felt as if she was saying that just because I didn't have my own room, my life as a child must have been miserable and unbearable.  It was quite the opposite, though.  Sure, there were times when I didn't like my sisters or my parents, but every child goes through that.  It's not those times that matter later on when you're an adult and looking back on things; it's the times you laughed and made connections that mattered most.

So back to the question: why my parents? I still really don't know.  They were pretty good parents, and being their child, I think I can make that statement fairly.  They always pushed me to do my best, and my sisters, too.  They might have had a low income and couldn't always afford things like a new car or my college tuitioin, but they always made sure we were active in things like band, soccer, and Glee club.  We might not have gotten to go to the movies every week, but that was okay.  We found other ways to entertain ourselves, like writing plays and hanging out with the other kids in the neighborhood, both of which taught us how to be creative.  They took us to church to learn morals and values, and scolded us for getting bad grades or getting in trouble at school.  Because they always pushed me to do my best in school, I was able to go to college on scholarships and grants, graduating with no debt.  They were never high, never had drunken shambles, and never neglected us.  We were chubby kids, and definitely had plenty of clothes :)

So honestly, I don't know why this happened to my parents.  Obviously they left more of a positive than negative impact on me.  And the few negative things I do remember, I observed, took into consideration, and learned from them.

If you have anymore questions, feel free to email me at letterstolauren@yahoo.com, or post it as a comment below.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Backstory: A Sister's Point of View

In case you didn't notice, there is a little something different about today's post.  I'm not posting a letter like I usually do.  Instead, I'm answering a few main questions that people have been asking me since I started this blog: What happened to Lauren, and why is she there?  It's not everyday that a teenage girl is taken from what otherwise seems like a normally functioning home.  So let me tell you a little bit about our story...

First, I want to say for anyone reading this, that this is MY version of the story, how I've seen it as a daughter and as a sister.  So just because I may represent something one way doesn't mean that my parents, sisters or other family members see it the same way I do.  So on with the story...

Lauren left my parents' home on January 11, 2011, just three days after my 23rd birthday.  We still don't know who made the call to have them investigated, but honestly that isn't important at this point.  When she was forced to leave, Lauren stayed in the care of friends and family members from that day up until the end of Summer 2011.  After she left the care of family and friends, she officially entered into the foster care system in the state of Maryland, and was placed in a foster home.

Now I have received quite a few questions about why Lauren was forced to leave.  On the surface, my family seems to function pretty well.  My parents were actively involved with church, my dad works at the local hospital, Chrysta and I (my other younger sister) had both graduated from high school and gone on to college.  I even graduated from college.  We as kids, and still as adults, have never gotten into any legal trouble, and for the most part, were pretty well behaved children.  That was on the outside, though.

The inside was different.  My parents had their troubles, like in any other marriage.  When I was 12, and then again when I was 18, my parents separated, but both times worked things out and got back together.  However, as a result of both separations, the house took a beating.  Things began to become messier and messier.  Basically, you could say that my parents could probably be on an episode of Hoarders.  And so, someone reported this, and Lauren was taken away.


And so, here I am today with this blog.  As an oldest child, I've found myself lately questioning my duties and responsibilities as the oldest sister.  It's really hard to be there for someone when they aren't present in your life regularly.  And it's even harder when your contact with that person is limited.  And so I made this blog.  Lauren might not be able to read it everyday, but one day she'll be able to read it, and hopefully some of these letters will help her to get through certain things in life.  I have the same hope for other girls out there that might not have someone to look up to for guidance.  Maybe they can read what I've been through and gain some knowledge from it.


I have other big goals for this project, too.  It would be awesome one day to create a fund/organization that helps to guide and counsel young people who may in a situation like Lauren's.  And I think it would be even more awesome to be able set up some kind of network to place these young people in contact with one another, so that they know that there are other people out there going through the same things that they go through from day to day.

So there's the story.  Hopefully it helped to answer some questions, and if not, feel free to comment or to email me at letterstolauren@yahoo.com.  I would love to hear other people's stories, to help anyone, or to answer any questions that someone may have.

Meghan


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Waiting

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Lauren,

Today I am writing to you about patience.  Trust me, like everyone else, it is really hard for me to be patient sometimes.  Whether I'm waiting for a phone call about a job interview, or for a text from a guy I like, I have a real hard time waiting.  I start questioning why it's taking so long, if I did something wrong, etc.  This kind of questioning is never good.

Sometimes you just have to wait.  Part of being patient and having patience is having the confidence in knowing that you'll reach the other side.  So, sometimes you just have to wait...usually when you do good things will come from it.

Love,

Meghan

Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Sparkly Piggy Bank

1-18-12

Lauren,

Money has definitely been on my mind lately.  Despite having two jobs, I still can't seem to make ends meet.  Have you ever thought about what you'd do/ buy if you ever won the lottery?  I know it's a "what if" question, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to dream a little...

Want to know what I'd do?  First, I'd put aside money for me to go back to school, and money for you and Chrysta to go to college.  Then, I'd pay off Mom and Dad's house, and pay off my debt.  Then I'd probably buy myself a house.  Oh! And I'd make sure that Hallie had money for college, too.  Throw a little shopping trip in there, save the rest, and I'd be good.  I would continue to work, too. 

So what would you do?  I'm assuming shopping and something music related would be on there (like paying your current celeb crush to be your boyfriend).  You might even buy a car, even though you're only 13.  Bu what about school?  Or saving?  Or even helping other people?

Take it from me: it's awesome to have a big chunk of money.  I basically got paid to go to college.  I blew it, though, and now when I'm struggling to pay bills, I could kick myself over and over again for not being smarter.  Start saving now, even if it means getting a sparkly piggy bank like I did.  You'll feel so much better in the future if you start planning now.

Love,

Meghan

Friday, January 20, 2012

Let's Talk Laundry

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Lauren,

I'm going to let you in on a little secret...I absolutely HATE folding laundry.  Awesome secret, right?  Doesn't matter how motivated I'm feeling that day, doesn't matter that the pile of clothes is blocking my view of the television, IT DOESN'T MATTER.  I absolutely hate it.

Maybe I hate it so much because part of my duties at work are to fold clothes until my arms fall off.  Or, it could be that I feel like it's pointless to fold something that I'm going to try on later and throw right back on my bed when I decide it doesn't look good.  I'm sure you have chores that you hate doing, too.  Am I right?

I don't think that ever changes as we become adults.  You may be 13, and I'm 24, but guess what?!  We both probably hate doing chores!  Funny how universal some things can be...

You're probably like "Okay, Meghan.  Enough ranting about laundry..."  But, I have a point in all this laundry talk.  No matter what age gap, whether it be 10 years like me and you, or 35 years like you and Mom, there are some things that we go through every day that we all may react the same towards.  In my case, I'm 24, and like any random 13 year old out there, I hate doing laundry.

Keep your head up girl.  And remember, no matter what it is, even if it's chores, you're never alone in what you're going through.

Love,

Meghan

Determination

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Lauren,

So let me talk to you about determination.  When I put my mind to something I'm usually stuck to that idea and hell-bent on getting it done. Today I put these letters into a blog, and so far have 22 hits in less than an hour!  I want to help you, and other girls in situations like yours, and if I really put my mind to it, it's going to happen!

I know you're determined to get back home.  I would be, too.  But honestly, that is a situation that is out of your hands, and try as you will, there isn't much you can do about it.  I would much rather see you use that ambition and determination towards something else, like your grades or making new friends.  Sometimes there are situations where you might try and try, but you can never get any farther.

Take my situation with Cam*.  I apologized and apologized over and over again.  Finally I realized that there was nothing else I could do because it was up to him now to make the change.  The same goes with you and Mom and Dad.  Ask, ask and ask again, but there's a point when you have to stop and realize that the rest is up to them to bring you home.  Usually when you reach this realization you'll find some peace.

So here's my point:  determination is a blessing and a curse.  Use it to the point where you're stressed out, and it's no good.  But use it to better a small part of your life, like in making a new friend, and it can be awesome.

This is my third time trying a blog.  Had I stopped the first time, I may never have written these to you.  Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan



*Name has been changed

Thursday, January 19, 2012

100%

1-16-12

Lauren,

Today I decided to turn these letters into a blog.  This isn't the first time I've tried a blog; I had two others before this.  The two I had before I started with the wrong intentions.  Fame, money, an outlet...all normal motivations for any writer.  But this time is a little different; this time I want to reach people.

I started writing you these letters because I don't get to see you much with the whole foster care thing.  Maybe by putting these letters on the internet I can reach other girls in foster care who may need some guidance.

There's on major challenge for myself, though, in doing this.  I have to be candid and not afraid of what other people may think.  For me to ever pass any of my own personal "wisdom" on to you or anyone else, I have to be completely  honest with myself and my audience.

Sometimes it is scary to really show yourself 100%, and to let everyone see who you really are.  It is this fear of not pleasing someone else that has kept me from being my complete self in the past.  After going through everything I did with Kyle*, hearing everything my own grandparents have said about me, and going through counseling, I'm finally getting better at not worrying about those other people.

Hopefully I can be courageous enough to see this out.  I know you think I'm a strong woman, but even I struggle and have to fight to accomplish things.

Love,

Meghan


*Name has been changed

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The First Letter

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Lauren,

This is my first letter to you.  It is the first day of a new year, so what better way to start this.  Last night as I was standing in Berlin watching the ball drop with no one to kiss, it occurred to me that I was starting 2012 by myself; no boyfriend, no love interest, just me by myself.  I know how as a teenager and young woman so much emphasis is put on finding a guy, settling down, etc.  And I've watched over the last year as my friends and I have gone through guy after guy only to end up hurt.  The most important thing I've learned from this is that you have to be okay with yourself and by yourself before you can ever be okay with anything else.  This isn't easy.  It will take some time.  And yeah, standing there last night alone kind of sucked.  But at the same time, I'm proud of myself for finally reaching the place I'm at today.  I like me :)

Hope you remember this always.  The greatest love you can ever earn, and the hardest to earn, is the love of your own self. 

Love,

Meghan

Foreword

Many times I have been told that I will be someone great one day.  I have been told how talented I am, how observant I am.  There are days when I see this in myself and know that, yes, I could do something really great if I put my mind to it.  But more than anything else, I believe I have these talents so that one day I can really help people and maybe change someone's life.

2011 was a hell of a year, and not in a good way.  But despite all the bad stuff, I learned a lot of good things, and really learned to have a great appreciation for life.

So here's the plan.  I want to use this blog to do good and to change someone's life; the life of my 13 year old sister, Lauren.  After not being around her for a year, I feel the best way to be there for her is by writing to her.  I want to give her these letters so that one day, when she is going through rough stuff in life, she can read them and hopefully gain some guidance from them.

So, Lauren, here's my legacy, as screwed up or dark as it may be.  Hope it helps...