Saturday, March 31, 2012

What Went Wrong?

3-31-12

Lauren,

Pre-warning you now: this letter is a little "deep," so bear with me.

Sometimes I look at you and Chrysta and wonder what went "wrong" with me.  Let me explain.  Chrysta, although she's not always had the greatest relationship with Mom, is fully capable and willing to tell our parents and other family members that she loves them, or can even give them a hug with no second thoughts.  Then there is you, the "baby" of us three girls.  You're the same way as Chrysta, and still have a strong relationship with and a deep affection for our parents.  You have no problem telling us that you miss us, and still say "Mommy" and "Daddy," both of which have a loving and affectionate connotation to them.

And then there is me.  Meghan, the oldest child.  The one who has a problem saying "I love you" to family members, the one who feels weird hugging her parents, and the one who cringes when her parents call her a name like "honey" or "sweetie."  That's what I mean by what went wrong with me.  It's like I lack that fundamental gene that is needed to express positive emotion to someone in my family.

Besides the things I've already mentioned, there are other things that are strange to me, too.  I think I've mentioned it before, but I can't buy a serious card.  I just can't.  And I've often had this thought:  If I ever get married, the idea of the father-daughter dance just weirds me out.  Let's not ignore the fact that I haven't said "I love you" to Mom or Dad in years probably.  Or the fact that any positive attention, or negative attention for that matter, from anyone usually makes me want to hide in a corner.  So again I ask, what went wrong?

The only time I felt comfortable saying "I love you" or randomly hugging someone was in The Long-Term Relationship (this is its new moniker).  And then that ended.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do something like that again, either.  Pretty much the only person left that I can show affection towards is Megan, and she's my best friend. . .

So I don't know. . .this is something I've often pondered, and so I thought I'd share it with you.  I hope you never get to this place.  It makes for a lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments.  I am working on it, though, so I guess that's all that matters.  I love you!

Love,

Meghan

4 comments:

  1. Meg, You are you, and you are strong. I admire you for that. Don't worry about how the world sees you. Geez advice again. Sorry old habits die hard. I just hope that you know I was once in your shoes. I still am in ways. I am single. I often look at myself and wonder, " What did I do wrong?" But I am learning that I have done nothing wrong. God has brought me to this place in my life where I am for a reason. Just know that you are loved unconditionally by family tas well as by friends. I am sorry Meg if I hurt you in any way. Lauren and Chrysta are lucky to have an older sister like you. I am proud of you. Yes, this is soppy. I know. If you erase this, I will understand. What you are doing with this Blog is awesome. Keep up the good work. You are gifted in your writing. I love you.

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  2. I don't worry about how the world sees me. If I did, I wouldn't have this blog.

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  3. Maybe you have the observer status in life. I feel that I am removed from many situations and people becuase I take on the observer role. But really there is nothing wrong with you- You are just the way you should be.

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    1. Thank you Alex! I am definitely observant...I had a professor tell me one time that I was very very wise and observant for my age. Blessing or curse? I guess a little of both. And yeah..removed is a good way to describe it. Sometimes I prefer to be removed, though, depending on the situation.

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